🩺 Hippocratic Party Healthcare Platform

" Do no harm, unless it is to someone else"

“Because nothing says ‘public service’ like sharing the public’s healthcare.”

🧬 1. Equal Suffering for All (Especially Politicians)

  • Every elected official shall receive the exact same healthcare coverage as Medicare recipients.
  • No VIP clinics, no concierge physicians, no “leadership priority lanes.”
  • If Medicare requires prior authorization, so will Congress.
  • If Grandma’s claim gets denied, so does the official's.
  • Shared inconvenience builds empathy—or at least accelerates reform.

💉 2. Vaccines: Optional, Unless They’re Mandatory, Unless They’re Optional Again

  • The Hippocratic Party affirms a simple, elegant rule:
  • If a vaccine is designed to prevent sickness, then it is optional.
  • Optional vaccines are not covered by insurance, because nothing says “public health” like making prevention financially inconvenient.
  • Politicians follow the exact same vaccine schedule as Medicare recipients—no early access, no special batches, no back‑door pharmacy appointments.
  • If the public waits in line behind a man buying scratch‑offs, so will the Senator.
  • Immunity should be biological, not political.

🩹 3. Healthcare That Pretends to Care

  • We champion healthcare systems that appear compassionate while quietly redirecting resources into administrative labyrinths.
  • Healing is optional; documentation is mandatory.

💸 4. Fiscal Responsibility Through Creative Neglect

  • We reduce healthcare spending by the classic method of simply not covering things.
  • If a treatment is effective, innovative, or expensive, we will study it until it becomes obsolete.
  • This keeps budgets low and expectations even lower.

🧑‍⚕️ 5. Doctors Should Be Free—But Not Too Free

  • Physicians may practice according to conscience, provided their conscience aligns with the latest polling.
  • All medical autonomy is subject to review by a bipartisan committee that has never taken a biology class.

🧓 6. A Culture of Life, Provided It’s Inexpensive

  • We affirm the dignity of every human life, especially when that dignity comes at a discount.
  • Elder care will be honored, celebrated, and occasionally funded.

🧠 7. Mental Health: Because Everyone’s Losing It

  • We acknowledge the mental health crisis and pledge to address it with inspirational posters, downloadable PDFs, and a hotline that is sometimes staffed.

🧪 8. Science, But Make It Fashion

  • We support science when it confirms what we already wanted to do.
  • We oppose science when it requires reading, humility, or budget increases.

🛡️ 9. Public Health Without Public Trust

  • Public health messaging will be clear, consistent, and immediately contradicted by the next press conference.
  • Confusion builds resilience.

🧾 10. Insurance Companies: The True Masters of the Healthcare Universe

  • The Hippocratic Party recognizes that insurance companies are the real healthcare providers, since they decide what gets covered, when, and for whom, by hiring politicians as consultants to write the laws.
  • We affirm their sacred right to:
  • Approve treatments only after the patient has fully recovered
  • Deny claims using algorithms trained on ancient scrolls
  • Offer “comprehensive coverage” that covers almost nothing comprehensively
  • Provide networks so narrow they can be traversed in a single afternoon
  • Politicians will receive the same insurance plans as Medicare recipients, ensuring they too experience:
  • Surprise bills
  • Mysterious denials
  • Customer service queues that rival purgatory
  • If the public must fight insurance companies like gladiators, so must Congress.

✝️ 11. The Hippocratic Mandate

“Heal the sick, unless it’s politically inconvenient.”

  • We commit to truth-telling, transparency, and moral clarity—except when those conflict with our schedule, donors, or polling data.