Meet our team
Meet our team
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Supreme Leader
Rose from the swamps of Moral Ambiguity to become the most ceremonially important figure in the Hippocratic Party. A renowned scholar of appearances and longtime practitioner of the ancient art of looking ethical, he has dedicated his career to advancing the noble (Nobel?) cause of seeming righteous at all times.
Under his visionary leadership, the Party has achieved historic breakthroughs in moral optics, including the groundbreaking discovery that accountability looks best when applied exclusively to others. Known for his majestic posture, his signature orange comb-over, red tie, and his unwavering commitment to integrity‑shaped shadows, he continues to guide the party with a steady hoof and an even steadier supply of carefully curated talking points.
His official motto remains: “Do No Harm… except to others.
Supreme Admiral
Clad in his ceremonial red tie and pirate hat of moral ambiguity, the Admiral steers the ship of public virtue with one hand on the wheel and the other clutching a map marked “X” — which he insists stands for “Excellence,” though it mostly leads to loopholes. His golden‑orange comb‑over flutters heroically in the breeze, a beacon of bold indecision and well‑styled deflection.
With a parrot trained to squawk “Get that oil ship!” on cue and an eye patch that conveniently blocks accountability from the left side, the Admiral sails confidently into every storm — especially the ones he caused. His sword is mostly decorative, his belt buckle unnecessarily gold and huge, and his leadership philosophy best summarized as:
“Steer boldly, speak loudly, and repeatedly adjust the new "facts" below deck. And of utmost importance is to keep piracy, I mean privacy, a top priority ;-)”
Under his watch, the Hippocratic Party has achieved historic levels of moral optics, including the invention of the Ethical Echo Chamber, the Selective Outrage Cannon, and the Virtue Signal Flag, which is raised ceremonially whenever someone else is caught doing something wrong.
He remains committed to the Party’s founding principle:
“Do No Harm… except to others' boats." And continues to blockade the Epstein Island
Secretary of War
Former co‑host of the the weekend Hippocratic Party comedy hour, rose to power not through strategy, competence, or battlefield valor — but through an unshakable loyalty to whoever happened to be in charge that week. Known for his ability to nod solemnly while changing sides mid‑sentence, he was promoted after a particularly stirring monologue titled “I’ll Serve Anyone Who’ll Let Me.”
His most celebrated military skill is leaking classified information while taking a leak, a talent that earned him both a disciplinary hearing and a standing ovation from the Party’s optics division. He’s also credited with inventing the “strategic misfire,” a maneuver in which nothing hits the target but everything gets blamed on someone else.
Clad in his signature blue‑and‑white striped tie and greased‑back hair that defies both gravity and accountability, the Secretary of War Hippo commands with a squint, a grunt, and a deeply held belief that volume equals leadership. His official duties include:
- Rewriting history in real time
- Holding press conferences with no press
- Conducting drills for imaginary threats
- And overseeing the Department of Moral Flexibility
His motto, stitched into every uniform he’s ever worn:
“Loyalty first. Accuracy optional.”
Meet our team
Meet our team
PachyDonk
Mascot
Born in a swamp of moral ambiguity and raised on a steady diet of double standards, the Pachydonk is the only known creature to simultaneously trample the truth and carry it in its saddlebag. With the body of a bloated bureaucracy and the ears of selective hearing, this majestic beast embodies the sacred art of saying one thing while doing the opposite—loudly, proudly, and with a patriotic snort.
🦛 Species: Bipolar Pachydonkus Hypocriticus
🎩 Habitat: Echo chambers, ivory towers, and televised town halls
📜 Diet: Straw man arguments, pork-barrel provisions, and lukewarm applause
The Pachydonk’s signature move is the “Virtue Stampede”—charging into moral debates with the grace of a wrecking ball and the nuance of a bumper sticker. It’s known to weep during budget cuts, rage during prayer breakfasts, and nap through accountability hearings. Its tail wags left, its trunk points right, and its compass spins in circles.
Despite its paradoxical nature, the Pachydonk remains beloved by all who prefer their convictions pre-chewed and their slogans pre-approved. Critics call it a walking contradiction. Supporters call it tradition with tusks.
Warning: May cause whiplash in those seeking consistency.
Meet our team
Meet our team
Attorney General Pachydonka™
Chief Enforcer of Loopholes, Interpretive Justice, and Selective Outrage
She rose from the ashes of a shredded ethics manual and a thousand unread subpoenas. With a pantsuit pressed by public opinion and lips pursed tighter than sealed indictments, Attorney General Pachydonka™ is the Hippocratic Party’s top legal mind—if by “legal” you mean “technically not illegal yet.”
👩⚖️ Specialties:
- Prosecuting the innocent for crimes they might commit someday
- Defending the guilty with passionate ambiguity
- Redefining “conflict of interest” as “networking opportunity”
Her blonde mane flows like a golden filibuster, and her stare can turn a whistleblower to stone. She’s fluent in doublespeak, retroactive justification, and the sacred art of “I don’t recall.” When cornered, she invokes the Fifth, the Sixth, and occasionally the Twelfth Night.
🗂️ Notable Rulings:
- Truth v. Convenience — ruled in favor of convenience
- People v. Accountability — declared a mistrial due to vibes
- Conscience v. Career — career won in a landslide
She doesn’t just bend the law—she teaches it yoga. And while critics call her a walking contradiction, she prefers “dynamic jurisprudence with optional memory.”
Warning: May redact entire conversations retroactively.
Meet our team
Meet our team
Press Secretary, aka Spin Doctor
Long-lost twin of the Attorney General. Allegedly.
She speaks in soundbites, thinks in slogans, and can dodge a direct question faster than a subpoena at a family reunion. Rumored to be the Attorney General’s twin—separated at birth by a clerical error and reunited by a shared love of magenta pantsuits and selective memory—she now serves as the official voice of the Hippocratic Party.
🎙️ Specialties:
- Clarifying what was never said
- Repeating what was never meant
- Denying what was already confirmed
Her blonde hair is as carefully sculpted as her talking points, and her lips are sealed tighter than the ethics committee’s inbox. She doesn’t answer questions—she reinterprets them. She doesn’t spin the truth—she centrifuges it.
Fun Fact: She and the Attorney General once shared a womb, a wardrobe, and a working definition of “plausible deniability.”
Meet our team
Meet our team
The people that make this all work.
Minister of Moral Gymnastics
As the official Minister of Moral Gymnastics, he specializes in high-difficulty ethical routines: triple-twisting justifications, midair value reversals, and flawless landings in front of friendly media. When not gripping the rings, he’s busy rewriting yesterday’s convictions into today’s talking points—without ever admitting a flip.